You are an ice cold issuer of one liners, an alpinist perfecting her skill on the slopes of Mount Davis, and a goddamn fighter if I’ve ever seen one. Your words are pure, and spoken softly to even those you find undeserving.You are heavy handed but you never move a muscle out of malevolence. And…

If today was a good day I don’t want to know me a month from now

My therapist used to ask me to make lists. Lists about why I like myself, lists of what I’m going to accomplish, lists of why I’ll never be my father. Ron never had me make a list of mistakes, because he quickly taught me, “everything happens for a reason, there are only meant-to-bes” I keep these self-promoting lists like my mother plans the groceries, and she has a drawer dedicated to and organized by produce, toiletries, things we don’t need, and things we’ll buy in bulk because there’s a coupon. But to every list marked “good things that happened to me today” I make two titled, “things I consider mistakes” and on that list today, I wrote “every word I’ve ever spoken” “batting my eyelashes” “taking the wrong job” “leaving my friends” “not going to the city” and “writing this list instead of that newspaper article”

Everyday isn’t a great day, and I need to go back to Ron.